Liam's write-only LJ

In, I hope, a refreshing change of theme...

I've been looking for decades, and since I've never found the text of it anywhere, I've transcribed Peter Sellers' classic recording of Balham: Gateway to the South, as I think it deserves greater circulation. It's originally from a sketch for a BBC Radio series called Third Division by Frank Muir and Dennis Norden. It was released on the box set "A Celebration of Sellers" in 1993, but I believe the track dates from 1958. (It's necessary to know this to get one or two of the gags.) Sellers performs all the voices in the piece, including the narrator.

Here's the soundtrack of this classic radio sketch.

Balham! Gateway to the South!

We enter Balham through the verdant grasslands of Battersea Park, and at once we are aware that here is a land of happy, contented people who go about their daily tasks in truly democratic spirit.

This is busy High Street, focal point of the town's activities. Note the quaint old stores, whose frontage is covered with hand-painted inscriptions, every one a rare example of native Balham art. Let us read some of them as our camera travels past.

"Cooking apples! Choice eaters!"
"A song to remember at the Tantamount Cinema!"
"A suit to remember at Montague Moss!"
"Cremations conducted with decorum and taste."
"Frying tonight. Bring your own paper."
"Rally Thursday, Berkeley Square. Viscountess Lewisham and Mrs Gerald Legge. Up the ruling classes!"

This shows the manifold activities of Balham's thriving community – but in quiet corners, we still find examples of the exquisite workmanship that Balham craftsmen have made world-famous: tooth brush holesmanship.

"On my forge, I carve the little holes in the top of toothbrushes. It is exciting work and my forefathers have been engaged upon it since 1957. [Coughs] The little holes in the top are put in manually, or, in other words, once a year. I recently had the honour of demonstrating my craft before the Ooni of Ife. He stopped by one day for a couple of words. I did not understand either of them."

So much for Balham's industries. Now let us see a little more of the town. Here is the great park, covering nearly half an acre. This is where the children traditionally meet by the limpid waters of the old drinking fountain, a drinking fountain that has for countless years, across the vast aeons of time, give untold pleasure to man, woman and child. Beside this fountain, donated by Able Councillor Quills as long ago as 1928, the little ones sit around a trim nursemaid and listen spellbound and enchanted as she reads them a story.

"With one bound, he was by her side. Nora felt his hot breath on her cheek as he ripped the thin silk from–"

We are now entering Old Balham. Time has passed by this remote corner; so shall we.

But Balham is not neglecting the cultural side. This is Eugene Quills, whose weekly recitals are attended by a vast concord of people. He has never had a lesson in his life. Such is the enthusiasm of Balham's music lovers that they are subscribing to a fund to send Eugene to Italy. Or Vienna. Or anywhere...

Night falls on Balham.

From Quill's Folly, Balham's famous beauty spot, which stands nearly ten feet above sea level, the town is spread below us in a fairyland of glittering lights, changing all the time: green... amber... red... red and amber... and back to green. The night life is awakening!

The Al Morocco Tea Rooms...

"Hey, miss?"
"Yes? What d'you want?"
"Pilchards."
"They're off, dear."
"Oh. Baked beans?"
"Off."
"Oh. Meat – meatloaf salad?"
"That's off, too."
"Pot of tea?"
"No tea, dear."
"Well, just milk then."
"Milk's off."
"Roll and butter, then?"
"No butter, dear."
"Well, just a roll!"
"Only bread, love."
"I might have just as well have stayed at home!"
"Oh, I dunno, does you good to have a fling occasionally!"

And so the long night draws on. The last stragglers make their way home and the lights go out one by one as dawn approaches and the bell of Saint Quills' Parish Church tolls ten o'clock. Balham sleeps. And so we say farewell to this historic borough, with many pleasant memories – and the words of C. Quills Smith, Balham's own bard, burning in our ears...

Broad-bosomed, bold, becalmed, benign
Lies Balham, four-square on the Northern Line.
Matched by no marvel save in Eastern scene
A rose-red city, half as gold as green.
By country churchyard, ferny fen and mere
What Quills mute inglorious lies buried here?
Oh stands the church clock at ten to three?
And is there honey still for tea?

"Honey's off, dear."

---

Completely unknown to me, former Monkee Mickey Dolenz also made a short film based on the piece, starring a very young Robbie Coltrane. (Found on Balham.com!)

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Edits:

• 9-Dec-2013: Spelling changed to the more typical "Balham" from "Bal Ham".


• 19-Oct-2015: replace "Vera" with "Gerald".


• 21-Mar-2017: removed RealPlayer file; remove scratched/skipping version on YouTube; fixed spelling of Golders Green/gold as green [that one was intentional, honest]; added hyperlinks.


• 31-Mar-2017: More corrections submitted! "Fight tonight" -> "Frying tonight"; "Holy of Highs" -> "Ooni of Ife" [I'd always wondered about that, but it is being mispronounced badly. A former Nigerian resident speaks. It's /if-ay/.] "Frontages are covered" -> "frontage is covered"; "porch" -> "forge".


• 18-Jun-2018: add links to Wikipedia article, Rupert Brooke poem "The Old Vicarage, Grantchester"


• 19-Jul-2018: add link to "Elegy Written in a Country Churchyard"; update date. RIP, Mr Norden.