Pride & prejudice, Stuff & nonsense
Aug. 1st, 2004 06:00 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lprovenIt's 6am. What am I doing on LJ?
Well, I've just got in from the Slimelight. Swarf were very fine as ever, if bedevilled by technical problems and doing far too short a set. The Cruxshadows were superb. Thanks to all who urged me to go.
I've seen had a chance to catch up with loads of people and it's been a good night.
And then, there was Stuff(tm). But of late, various people - Pete, Moz, Ed, Flick, Francis, Psyche and others - have been telling me it's time to stop avoiding Stuff, to confront it and just to grow up and behave like an adult.
So I did. I stopped Kirsty and greeted her, to her evident surprise and trepidation.
And we spoke. For hours, I think. A long time, anyway. Also a little to Mathias.
It was... not pleasant, as such. But I think it was good. I think it's helped. I am still in a state of considerable inner turmoil, but I think, maybe, that a little knot somewhere inside me has -- well, if not come undone, at least unclenched a little.
There were tears. There was great pain. But there was comfort, too. We still love one another. We both still cherish a tiny dream that we might put it right somehow.
I have learned some things. Nothing huge, nothing Earth-shattering, but some small things of great importance to me. Some good, some bad. I still don't accept some parts of it; I cannot. But it is a step.
Yes, I have perhaps been avoiding it for too long, but I have done this as soon as I felt able to. I have been to some indescribable places in the last year; endured feelings, states of mind, that I did not know existed. This does not excuse it, but I also know that I've been a complete prick a lot of the time. I have vilified both of them, I have called them every vile epithet I could summon - and that is many. I have been violently rude and offensive, I have sounded like a scratched record repeating my rants on hapless friends. I have blamed him, her, and both jointly. I have subjected innocent bystanders to near-endless whining. I tried to make myself hate her, to ease the pain. It didn't work very well. Nor did shunning them.
To all of you who have listened, who have ever given me a shoulder to cry on, I thank you. I am vastly and underservingly fortunate to have so many very good, very kind and astonishingly tolerant, understanding and supportive friends. I value you beyond words, but I do not value you enough.
To Flick, Nadin and Caitriona, who helped to re-instil me with some shreds of self-worth, I send my thanks and my love.
To all whom I have sprayed with my venom and vitriol, I apologise. Most of all, to Kirsty and to Mathias, who have heard all this and both of whom still treat me civilly and politely and in a friendly and courteous manner.
It is not over. I make no promises; I may well lapse again. I will try not to; please, slap me if I do. I am not really so very much better now than I was a year ago; I have just - although this may sound ridiculous - learned a little more control. Nowhere near enough, yet, but I am working on it. Whatever does not kill us makes us stronger. I remain very broken. I am just feigning being whole. Some parts of me will never totally heal, I think, but I am, slowly, so slowly, getting closer to some kind of sanity.
I have not coped well. I am deeply sorry for how badly I have behaved. Thankyou for bearing with me. I cannot think of a single person who has turned their back on me, and that is amazing, and humbling. I hope I never have to do the same for any of you, but if I ever do, I will try to live up to your model.
Og Kjersti: jeg elsker deg. Jeg var - er - en dritt. Jeg er så lei for det, og for alt.
Going to bed now. Must try to sleep.
No comments necessary.
Well, I've just got in from the Slimelight. Swarf were very fine as ever, if bedevilled by technical problems and doing far too short a set. The Cruxshadows were superb. Thanks to all who urged me to go.
I've seen had a chance to catch up with loads of people and it's been a good night.
And then, there was Stuff(tm). But of late, various people - Pete, Moz, Ed, Flick, Francis, Psyche and others - have been telling me it's time to stop avoiding Stuff, to confront it and just to grow up and behave like an adult.
So I did. I stopped Kirsty and greeted her, to her evident surprise and trepidation.
And we spoke. For hours, I think. A long time, anyway. Also a little to Mathias.
It was... not pleasant, as such. But I think it was good. I think it's helped. I am still in a state of considerable inner turmoil, but I think, maybe, that a little knot somewhere inside me has -- well, if not come undone, at least unclenched a little.
There were tears. There was great pain. But there was comfort, too. We still love one another. We both still cherish a tiny dream that we might put it right somehow.
I have learned some things. Nothing huge, nothing Earth-shattering, but some small things of great importance to me. Some good, some bad. I still don't accept some parts of it; I cannot. But it is a step.
Yes, I have perhaps been avoiding it for too long, but I have done this as soon as I felt able to. I have been to some indescribable places in the last year; endured feelings, states of mind, that I did not know existed. This does not excuse it, but I also know that I've been a complete prick a lot of the time. I have vilified both of them, I have called them every vile epithet I could summon - and that is many. I have been violently rude and offensive, I have sounded like a scratched record repeating my rants on hapless friends. I have blamed him, her, and both jointly. I have subjected innocent bystanders to near-endless whining. I tried to make myself hate her, to ease the pain. It didn't work very well. Nor did shunning them.
To all of you who have listened, who have ever given me a shoulder to cry on, I thank you. I am vastly and underservingly fortunate to have so many very good, very kind and astonishingly tolerant, understanding and supportive friends. I value you beyond words, but I do not value you enough.
To Flick, Nadin and Caitriona, who helped to re-instil me with some shreds of self-worth, I send my thanks and my love.
To all whom I have sprayed with my venom and vitriol, I apologise. Most of all, to Kirsty and to Mathias, who have heard all this and both of whom still treat me civilly and politely and in a friendly and courteous manner.
It is not over. I make no promises; I may well lapse again. I will try not to; please, slap me if I do. I am not really so very much better now than I was a year ago; I have just - although this may sound ridiculous - learned a little more control. Nowhere near enough, yet, but I am working on it. Whatever does not kill us makes us stronger. I remain very broken. I am just feigning being whole. Some parts of me will never totally heal, I think, but I am, slowly, so slowly, getting closer to some kind of sanity.
I have not coped well. I am deeply sorry for how badly I have behaved. Thankyou for bearing with me. I cannot think of a single person who has turned their back on me, and that is amazing, and humbling. I hope I never have to do the same for any of you, but if I ever do, I will try to live up to your model.
Og Kjersti: jeg elsker deg. Jeg var - er - en dritt. Jeg er så lei for det, og for alt.
Going to bed now. Must try to sleep.
No comments necessary.
