lproven | The Patchwork Man [#projectPrague]

Back in October last year, a friend of mine was visiting Prague on a work trip. We met for a few beers. Literally three I think.

Unfortunately, on my way to the Metro after walking back to his hotel with him, I tripped and fell going into the station. He was very helpful and paid for a taxi home. However, as it crossed some of Prague's ubiquitous cobbles, I moaned in pain.

The taxi driver asked if maybe he should take me to hospital, rather than home. I reluctantly agreed. I asked which hospital.

"Karlovo Náměsti," he said.

"But I live there. I thought you were taking me to hospital!"

"I am."

"But which hospital?"

"Karlovo Náměsti."

"That's where I live! Where is the hospital?"

"Karlovo Náměsti."

There was a hospital in my square and I didn't even know.

With the help of a porter who spoke no English but a little German, I found the emergency department. They attempted to relocate it for an hour which was excruciating, damaged the joint extensively and ultimately failed. They had to do a nerve-block and then it slipped in easily.

They kept me in overnight. That was "interesting," but the some of the nurses spoke quite good English and they were very helpful. They even provided a vegetarian lunch on no notice at all.

I had to wear an orthesis to secure it. A week later, I rolled over in bed (in the orthesis, note) and it dislocated again. I hobbled across the square to the hospital (walking with a dislocated arm is extremely painful), in my pyjamas.

Rinse and repeat. At least, since it was 7AM, I hadn't eaten or drunk, so they could do a general anæsthetic and put it back in with less of a fight.

This led to two months in a brace and off work on sick leave. The local late-night curry shop got a lot of business off me.

I'm really crippled without it — I am left handed, and my right arm is badly damaged from a big bicycle crash at uni in '86 and a big motorbike crash (in '94, the one that resulted in my ZZR11 trike.) I have limited movement in it — wrist, forearm, upper arm and shoulder are all damaged and made of a mix of steel and bone grafts, and it's weak. I can't cook, wash up, and can barely feed myself.

I recovered by early December and spent Christmas in Brno, my former hometown... which led to getting together with a friend of mine from a few years ago.

In June , I went to Brno to visit the new girlfriend and (among other things) watch the international fireworks festival, with a mate and his new girlfriend.

Afterwards, as 30,000 people are all trying to get the tram back to town at once, we two couples are lying in the grass having a kiss and cuddle and letting the crowds go for the tram.

A drunk local tried to walk through the piece of grass Jana and I were lying on. He fell over me, kicking me hard in the face as he went. Knocked off my glasses, and it really hurt.

So, on the tram back later, I was protectively holding Jana in my arm as we stood on the packed tram. Holding on with my left arm, holding her with my right.

The tram lurched and something tore in my shoulder. I could hear it go. It was very painful, too. I lowered the arm and the pain immediately abated. On Sunday, it felt normal — no pain or stiffness.

I had just bought a used Retina iMac from a friend. On Monday morning, I carried it to the train and all the way to Prague on the train. Up five flights of stairs, left it in my room, and went to work. 17kg, more in its box. The arm didn't complain at all. I thought it was fine.

I went to a pub quiz moderated by a friend of mine who was returning to the USA walked into a dark basement youth-hostel bar on a sunny Prague evening.

In the contrast from sun to gloom, I couldn't see that after the left turn and door, there were two more steps. I took them both in one giant stumbling pace and my arm fell off. I didn't even fall over.

A couple Spanish backpackers tried to help but I was in too much pain to remember my Spanish. They brought me a chair, I sat down, cradling my arm, and after a minute or two, I relaxed infinitesimally and it slid back into joint with a weird >squish-pop< sensation and a massive drop in pain levels to "owww that really fucking hurts ow ow ow".

I thanked them in Spanish, entered the quiz on my own, writing with my right hand, and won it.

Since it was back in, I didn't go to hospital that day. I put the orthesis back on, took a sick day, and went to hospital to see my specialist on Wednesday morning. It's the only morning that the orthopædic clinic is open.

He said that it clearly wasn't stable and he needed to operate.

The op was 3½ weeks ago now. Basically, they detached my arm, put clips into my shoulder-blade from the front, through the open joint, clipped the ligament capsule onto these, then reattached the arm.

The surgeon described it as "tricky" but he said it went well.

I must wear this big orthopædic brace — a little like this one — 24x7 for 6 weeks. I can't really use my left arm — I mustn't move the shoulder — but I can take it off to bathe and wear a T shirt under the orthesis, which really helps. But it's a Czech summer, so it's usually 32-35⁰. I'm very sweaty and uncomfortable most of the time.

My physio starts at the end of this month. Apparently I am likely to lose 20% or more of the shoulder rotation, but I think I can live with that. We'll see.