More air traffic controller humour
Mar. 21st, 2005 08:56 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lprovenFrom the CIX jokes conf - so may well not be true. Amusing, though...
Control Tower
Supposedly excerpts of the most curious but authentic radio communications between Cockpit and Tower Air Controllers
Tower: "To avoid noise, please turn right 45 degrees ."
Pilot: "What noise could we possibly make at 35.000ft?"
Tower: "The noise your 707 will make when colliding with the 727 before you!"
Tower: "Are you an Airbus 320 or 340?"
Pilot: "An A 340, of course!"
Tower: "Well then, would you please start your other two engines before taxiing to take-off?"
Pilot: "Good morning, Bratislava."
Tower: "Good morning. Please note: This is Vienna."
Pilot: "I am now on landing approach to Bratislava."
Tower: "This really is Vienna."
Pilot: "Vienna?"
Tower: "Yes."
Pilot: "But why? We wanted to go to Bratislava."
Tower: "Okay. Then abort your landing approach and turn left."
Pilot from an Alitalia flight, who lost half his cockpit instruments when lightning hit him: "We nearly lost everything. Nothing works anymore. Even the altitude indicator doesn’t show anything..."
After 5 minutes complaining, the voice of another pilot comes over the
comm: "Oh shut up and die like a man!"
Pilot: "We’re running low on fuel. Please advise."
Tower: 'What is your position? We don’t have you on our scope."
Pilot: "We’re standing on runway 2 and are waiting for an eternity for the fuel truck."
Pilot: "Tower, request take-off clearance."
Tower: "Sorry, we don’t have your flightplan. Where do you want to go?"
Pilot: "Like every Monday, to Salzburg."
Tower: "But today is Tuesday!"
Pilot: "What? Then it’s our day off!"
Tower: "Height and position?"
Pilot: "I am 1.80m and I’m sitting in the front on the left side."
Tower to a private plane: "How many souls on board?"
Pilot: "Pilot, two passengers and a dog."
Tower, after a hard landing: "I take it the dog did that landing?"
Tower: "Do you have enough fuel or not?"
Pilot: "Yes."
Tower: "Yes, what?"
Pilot: "Yes, Sir!!!"
Tower: "Please give us your estimated arrival."
Pilot: "Hmmmm... Tuesday would be nice for me."
And...
The pilot
Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What exactly was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant "It took us a while to find a new pilot."
Control Tower
Supposedly excerpts of the most curious but authentic radio communications between Cockpit and Tower Air Controllers
Tower: "To avoid noise, please turn right 45 degrees ."
Pilot: "What noise could we possibly make at 35.000ft?"
Tower: "The noise your 707 will make when colliding with the 727 before you!"
Tower: "Are you an Airbus 320 or 340?"
Pilot: "An A 340, of course!"
Tower: "Well then, would you please start your other two engines before taxiing to take-off?"
Pilot: "Good morning, Bratislava."
Tower: "Good morning. Please note: This is Vienna."
Pilot: "I am now on landing approach to Bratislava."
Tower: "This really is Vienna."
Pilot: "Vienna?"
Tower: "Yes."
Pilot: "But why? We wanted to go to Bratislava."
Tower: "Okay. Then abort your landing approach and turn left."
Pilot from an Alitalia flight, who lost half his cockpit instruments when lightning hit him: "We nearly lost everything. Nothing works anymore. Even the altitude indicator doesn’t show anything..."
After 5 minutes complaining, the voice of another pilot comes over the
comm: "Oh shut up and die like a man!"
Pilot: "We’re running low on fuel. Please advise."
Tower: 'What is your position? We don’t have you on our scope."
Pilot: "We’re standing on runway 2 and are waiting for an eternity for the fuel truck."
Pilot: "Tower, request take-off clearance."
Tower: "Sorry, we don’t have your flightplan. Where do you want to go?"
Pilot: "Like every Monday, to Salzburg."
Tower: "But today is Tuesday!"
Pilot: "What? Then it’s our day off!"
Tower: "Height and position?"
Pilot: "I am 1.80m and I’m sitting in the front on the left side."
Tower to a private plane: "How many souls on board?"
Pilot: "Pilot, two passengers and a dog."
Tower, after a hard landing: "I take it the dog did that landing?"
Tower: "Do you have enough fuel or not?"
Pilot: "Yes."
Tower: "Yes, what?"
Pilot: "Yes, Sir!!!"
Tower: "Please give us your estimated arrival."
Pilot: "Hmmmm... Tuesday would be nice for me."
And...
The pilot
Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What exactly was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant "It took us a while to find a new pilot."
