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ajshepherd and any other plane nuts out there. Oldies but goodies.
The following are actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers from around the world... allegedly.
While taxiing at London Gatwick, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 767. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:
"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between Cs and Ds, but get it right!"
Continuing her tirade to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God, you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally the ground control frequency went terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at LGW was running high. Then an unknown pilot broke the silence and asked:
"Wasn't I married to you once?"
A DC-10 had an exceedingly long rollout after landing with his approach speed a little high.
San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end of the runway, if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
Unknown aircraft: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Air Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself
immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern and have already notified our caterers"
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange; between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign "Speedbird 206":
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.";
The BA747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944 but it was dark and I didn't stop."
[I know, "Speedbird" would have denoted Concord. Ne tirez pas sur la messager. - Ed.]
O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker,
One o'clock, three miles, eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the
little Fokker in sight."
[And a personal favourite of mine...]
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints by QUANTAS [or RAF, or USAF, etc. - Ed.] pilots and the corrective action recorded by mechanics. (By the way Quantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.) P stands for the problem the pilots entered in the log. S stands for the corrective action taken by the mechanics.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing. (note: this was for a piston-engineered airplane; the pilot meant the engine was not running smoothly).
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed radar with words.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
[And some more from Snopes.com...]
Defect: The autopilot doesn't.
Action: IT DOES NOW.
Defect: Seat cushion in 13F smells rotten.
Action: Fresh seat cushion on order.
Defect: Turn & slip indicator ball stuck in center during turns.
Action: Congratulations. You just made your first coordinated turn!
Defect: Whining sound heard on engine shutdown.
Action: Pilot removed from aircraft.
Defect: Pilot's clock inoperative.
Action: Wound clock.
Defect: Autopilot tends to drop a wing when fuel imbalance reaches 500 pounds.
Action: Flight manual limits maximum fuel imbalance to 300 pounds.
Defect: #2 ADF needle runs wild.
Action: Caught and tamed #2 ADF needle.
Defect: Unfamiliar noise coming from #2 engine.
Action: Engine run for four hours. Noise now familiar.
Defect: Noise coming from #2 engine. Sounds like man with little hammer.
Action: Took little hammer away from man in #2 engine.
Defect: Whining noise coming from #2 engine compartment.
Action: Returned little hammer to man in #2 engine.
Defect: Flight attendant cold at altitude.
Action: Ground checks OK.
Defect: 3 roaches in cabin.
Action: 1 roach killed, 1 wounded, 1 got away.
Defect: Weather radar went ape!
Action: Opened radar, let out ape, cleaned up mess.
ajshepherd and any other plane nuts out there. Oldies but goodies.The following are actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers from around the world... allegedly.
While taxiing at London Gatwick, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 767. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:
"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between Cs and Ds, but get it right!"
Continuing her tirade to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God, you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally the ground control frequency went terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at LGW was running high. Then an unknown pilot broke the silence and asked:
"Wasn't I married to you once?"
A DC-10 had an exceedingly long rollout after landing with his approach speed a little high.
San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end of the runway, if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
Unknown aircraft: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Air Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself
immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern and have already notified our caterers"
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange; between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign "Speedbird 206":
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.";
The BA747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944 but it was dark and I didn't stop."
[I know, "Speedbird" would have denoted Concord. Ne tirez pas sur la messager. - Ed.]
O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker,
One o'clock, three miles, eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the
little Fokker in sight."
[And a personal favourite of mine...]
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints by QUANTAS [or RAF, or USAF, etc. - Ed.] pilots and the corrective action recorded by mechanics. (By the way Quantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.) P stands for the problem the pilots entered in the log. S stands for the corrective action taken by the mechanics.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing. (note: this was for a piston-engineered airplane; the pilot meant the engine was not running smoothly).
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed radar with words.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
[And some more from Snopes.com...]
Defect: The autopilot doesn't.
Action: IT DOES NOW.
Defect: Seat cushion in 13F smells rotten.
Action: Fresh seat cushion on order.
Defect: Turn & slip indicator ball stuck in center during turns.
Action: Congratulations. You just made your first coordinated turn!
Defect: Whining sound heard on engine shutdown.
Action: Pilot removed from aircraft.
Defect: Pilot's clock inoperative.
Action: Wound clock.
Defect: Autopilot tends to drop a wing when fuel imbalance reaches 500 pounds.
Action: Flight manual limits maximum fuel imbalance to 300 pounds.
Defect: #2 ADF needle runs wild.
Action: Caught and tamed #2 ADF needle.
Defect: Unfamiliar noise coming from #2 engine.
Action: Engine run for four hours. Noise now familiar.
Defect: Noise coming from #2 engine. Sounds like man with little hammer.
Action: Took little hammer away from man in #2 engine.
Defect: Whining noise coming from #2 engine compartment.
Action: Returned little hammer to man in #2 engine.
Defect: Flight attendant cold at altitude.
Action: Ground checks OK.
Defect: 3 roaches in cabin.
Action: 1 roach killed, 1 wounded, 1 got away.
Defect: Weather radar went ape!
Action: Opened radar, let out ape, cleaned up mess.
