lproven | Norwegian Wood 3 (Reply)

Over the years, we've both regularly patronised Ryanair - and been patronised in return. It's a good service - if it wasn't for Ryanair, Kjersti and I probably wouldn't have been able to maintain our long-distance relationship. Booking a little ahead meant that a return fair from Stansted to Torp (at Sandefjord in the south - a hundred miles from Oslo, whatever the adverts say about "Oslo Torp") can sometimes be had for £3 - plus the inevitable £25 of UK taxes and £15 of Norwegian ones. The only problem is when it goes wrong. Kjersti missed her flight home, the first time she came to see me - I badly underestimated how long it would take us to get from Balham to Stansted. They transferred her on to the following morning's flight for free; all it cost us was the train fare. I got her for an extra night, and we discovered that for the painful cost of starting out at 5am or so, it's possible to take the cheap redeye flight and get to the other end in time for a late start at work.

This was a false omen, a never-to-be repeated offer. A year later, I missed my flight because my train was cancelled. I left at 5:20am, but the 6am Stansted Express failed to show. It appeared at five past and didn't depart for another ten minutes. Then it ran slowly until they gave up at Harlow Town, threw us all off and made us get the next train, the 6:30 - which arrives at Stansted after check-in for the 7:25 flight closes.

(Be warned: the Stansted Express is one of the most pathetically unreliable train services I've ever used, and I've used it a lot. It's common for trains to be delayed by up to 20-30 minutes and the "Express" often stops at a variable number - up to half a dozen - suburban stations. Do not rely upon it. The problems are exacerbated by its infrequency - usually only two an hour - and the commonness of cancellations of later trains back into London, causing passengers arriving on late flights to have to struggle into London by bus. As you might expect, the buses don't honour train tickets even if the trains are cancelled - and when they are, the hourly buses often fill up and leave dozens of hapless wayfarers stranded. At the best of times it takes some 2-3 hours to get home this way. Once, I had to take a train to Cambridge to get back to London - and stand all the way. If, like the bulk of Stansted travellers, you're flying Ryanair because it's cheap, you can only get a discount ticket at the Eurocheque Bureaux de Change at Liverpool Street - which aren't open first thing in the morning or late at night. If you do manage to get there in time, only a handful of the staff have been trained to sell tickets (clearly a demanding rôle for some people.) I've even been asked for my ticket before; Ryanair is a ticketless airline and only issues reservation numbers. It's a travesty of a service and there is of course no realistic alternative, so the company gets away with it scot-free. You Have Been Warned.)

That time, I paid £35 or so to go on stand-by and spent 12 hours sitting around or sunbathing outside the airport. The evening flight was full. So, home again, to discover that the builders have removed my bathroom and I can't even have a pee, let alone a shower. Up again and out at 4:30am, to find after a few hours that the morning flight was full, too. So, I missed Kjersti's 10-years-on school reunion, and not going to Norway for the weekend cost me some £250.

We've since learned a trick: when the flights are full, Ryanair's miserly 45 minute check-in window isn't even close to long enough to clear the massive queues, and they often extend for an extra 15-20 minutes or more. Sometimes we've finally been processed less than five minutes before the plane was due to leave. When the check-in time is up, the signs above the check-in desks are extinguished and the flights are removed from the "where to check-in" screens. However, the queue may persist for half an hour yet. The staff won't tell you where to go - I suspect it's all part of the scam to relieve you of more money - but if you look for a queue of people at a desk with no sign up and ask them, you'll probably still be able to get on. Nota bene.