TCASU Talk #2
Nov. 7th, 2003 03:00 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lprovenAnd there's more.
Here's the script for the 2nd one, which by a stunning bit of planning, I forgot to take with me. Good work, Liam. Still, the improvised alternative seemed to go down OK.
Weird Sex Toys
This was meant to be a talk about weird or extreme sex toys. However, I spent quite some time reading up on this, and what I mostly found was that extreme sex toys are basically your fairly standard sex toys – only bigger. And really, where’s the fun in that? I mean, yes, a butt plug the size of a traffic cone is impressive, and I could have shown you some rather terrifying pictures of such a thing in use, but frankly, they’re icky and not terribly stimulating – unless you are of such specialist tastes that this panel’s description really would not tempt your jaded palate at all.
I’ll start with what’s alleged to be a true story. This was told to me by my young lady, Nadin, who regrettably cannot be with us this weekend - but I cannot otherwise attest its authenticity. But it’s a good one, so what the hell. I’ll retell it in the author’s own words…
I once knew a guy who was into fruit, so to speak.
He had, for reasons I never found out and never had the courage to ask, bored a hole in one end of a watermelon, inserted his dingle, and let fly.
He apparently found the sensation interesting, and began experimenting. He found that slightly overripe melons were best as far as texture and sensation went, as the texture was apparently more "cottony", as he put it. I can certainly see where they'd be moister, anyway. The real breakthrough, though, happened when he bored another hole in the other end... and slipped a vibrator in it.
He raved about it for days. I hadn't heard anyone talk about sex in such... glowing... terms since high school, as we began, one by one, to lose our virginity. It was like he'd discovered a whole new third gender of people, with whom he was still a virgin... and he had begun to seek his one true love...
Things began to get a little strange. He really got into his experiments -- he was going through six or seven melons a week, easily, and that was just what he'd admit to me. He acted like some horrible mutant psychological crossbreed of sex maniac, junkie, and quivering romantic.
I never had the courage to ask what he did with the watermelons afterwards. I almost did once, but I realized it might be a rather... personal... issue, at least with him.
He tried lots of different permutations -- vibrator in the end, vibrator in top, two vibrators, one on each side, vibrators in both sides and one end... he spent a lot of money on vibrators and watermelons. A girl I knew demanded the immediate return of her toys when she found out what he'd been doing with them, which made us all wonder... she didn't mind her vibrator being used by another person, but it bothered her that it was in a fruit? (Uh, so to speak...)
He got obsessive. He drew diagrams. He experimented with different sizes of vibrator, set for different pulse rates. He even took the vibrators apart, to see if he could alter the way they worked. It really was a classic bit of mad science... This is actually the point where I got involved: he asked me to rig the vibrators so that they could all be turned off and on with one switch.
I made the mistake of asking why he wanted this... and that's how I discovered this entire weird and sordid tale. Aren't you grateful?
A week later, he came back to me with a problem: the perfect vibratory rate for this particular brand of vibrator was when the batteries were about half dead. Could this somehow be simulated? I wound up finally wiring the things together with old Christmas lights and a toy-train transformer, so he could vary the flow of juice, so to speak, to whatever suited his, um, fancy.
I took extra special care with the soldering and insulation. Everything was waterproof by the time I was done with it. I'd learned my lesson well when it came to penises and electricity, you see... but that's another story.
Finally, towards the end of that very odd summer, I received a very special invite on the answering machine. He'd apparently completed his experiments the previous day, and had mapped out the size and volume of the ideal melon, and the number and placement of vibrators to ensure maximum intensity.
The next day, he intended to have the ...ultimate vegesexual experience. Would I like to come watch? There would be wine and cheese, and a hallucinogenics buffet. I wouldn't be alone; he'd invited guests.
I kind of wanted to. I admit it. I thought about it. It was an extremely bizarre thing, and I did bizarre from time to time... but I had to work the next day... and somehow, the idea of skipping work to watch a guy screw a fruit somehow just wasn't something I could reconcile to myself. That... and if bestiality was illegal, what would they do to you for screwing a vegetable? I could just see the local cops bursting in to grab some high-profile headlines...
...and then, there were his friends. I knew some of them, and many of them were SERIOUS weirdies. Hm, I thought, would the chick with the pierced nipples who liked to go topless be there, I wondered? Pierced nipples were a lot less common then, and she and I had hit it off pretty well at our first meeting...
...but if this was a party, then his friend who claimed to be married to his dog would likely be there, too, and for some reason, this guy seemed to think I was his friend. Last time we'd met, I'd learned more about dog plumbing than I ever wanted to know...
...I begged off.
Apparently, I missed quite an event. I heard about the happenings no less than five times the following week from assorted people who'd been there.
Our hero made quite the party out of it -- open bar for guests, the promised buffet, complete with LSD and finger sandwiches, and he was answering the door in nothing but a pair of gold lame ballhuggers. In the kitchen, he'd duct-taped the melon to a large cutting board and braced it on the kitchen table.
When everyone was there... the festivities began, so to speak. He ditched the ballhuggers. Someone offered to "fluff" him, and he graciously agreed. Much arousal and amusement ensued, particularly since the fluffer was apparently a guy.
Finally... his manhood prepped and ready... he approached the cutting board.
The openings had been drilled, the vibrators inserted, the wiring arranged. I never saw this particular melon, mind you, but I can imagine it easily enough -- his later experiments were so full of parts and wires, I'd taken to thinking of them as the BorgMelons...
He lubricated himself thoroughly... and entered the fruit.
The crowd watched breathlessly.
He switched on the vibrators. The air filled with the hum of fruit come alive... and the smell of an excited watermelon.
He groaned.
The crowd gasped.
He began to slowly stroke in and out of the melon.
His eyes rolled back. Plainly, he was feeling no pain.
The crowd began to get into it.
He thrust into the fruit, harder, deeper.
The crowd began to chant, "Go! Go! Go!"
He began to lose control, claimed by a raging passion.
A couple of the crowd ran forward, grabbed the table and board, stabilized it.Our hero slammed into the melon, harder, harder. The crowd moved closer, touched him, slapped his ass. They held the table steady. He moved, harder, faster...
...and then... something weird happened.
In truth, I guess it was my fault. I didn't foresee it... but I should have. I'm the one who wired the vibrators to work in tandem, using Christmas lights for a model. I should have known that more than a dozen vibrators, all working off the same power source, might well fall into sync... and generate harmonic/sympathetic vibrations... which, in a semiliquid environment like the inside of an overripe watermelon... would generate positive feedback... increasing by the second. The guy's dong whacking in and out wouldn't help; in fact, it probably accelerated the end result.
The bottom line: just as our hero reached orgasm, the watermelon exploded, violently, showering our hero, the kitchen, and the less-than-innocent bystanders with... uh... "fruit salad", so to speak. No one had noticed the increased throbbing vibrations due to Our Hero's frantic thrusting.
The funny thing is, he didn't consider it a failure. He said that it was the ultimate orgasm he'd had in his life up to that point.
I asked if he wanted me to rewire the vibrators so they wouldn't do that again.
"No," he said. He explained that he believed that the ever-increasing harmonics that had cause the melon to explode had also been the source of his ecstasy... and that he'd still been coming when the fruit detonated... and he was quite sure he could ravish a whole barnyard's worth of watermelons without ever reaching that MegaNirvana again... because he knew he'd never again be able to get the TIMING just right....
And from the same author…
Penises are the very root of manhood, so to speak... mighty, yet vulnerable... seductive, yet faintly ridiculous. You hear a lot about "phallic imagery", but how much do you hear about "vaginal imagery?" Ancient Athens, the pillar of civilization, was decorated with little statues of Hermes and his erect penis... located on street corners for good luck. Men are obsessed with their dicks, for the most part. I try not to be so predictable about it, but I'm a guy, too.
One of the worst things I ever saw happen to a guy was in high school, when a friend of mine participated in the vandalizing of a Sonic-Drive-In. He made the mistake of peeing into the little speaker you order your food through. The electrical arc travelled up the stream and practically fried the poor guy's tallywhacker. He said it was like being kicked in the nuts while plugging your dick into a power socket. What was worse... he told us the next day at school... his dick didn't seem to work any more.
He was scared. I didn't blame him. To have your dick suddenly cease to function at age 16 is like... like... shit, I don't know. A disaster, certainly. The next day he reported it still didn't work, despite hours of priming with Penthouse magazines. He could pee through it... but that was about it.
Day three: still nothing. He was badly frightened... his brother had theorized that he'd shorted out some important nerves, or something. Would it ever work again? He was debating going to the doctor, even if it meant admitting who'd vandalized the Sonic...
Day four: He came to school laughing, his heart had wings again. Life was good again. Apparently, the poor thing was just traumatized, that's all. He reported no less than four successful launchings the previous night, with and without photographic assistance. All was well... but it was a lesson none of us ever forgot...
...but I digress. My own experience with the sacredness of the penis came when I lived with Tiny Alice. Alice had just broken up with her boyfriend and was in the usual "men are pigs" phase that seems to go after that. She had two dogs, a little yappy thing that looked like a mop with feet... and a small bulldog-looking animal.
It wasn't EXACTLY a bulldog... I don't remember what it was. Its name was Corky, and it may have been the stupidest vertebrate I've ever encountered. It was rabidly affectionate, energetic as a mongoose on speed, and had a tongue bigger than my entire head. When you entered the door it would tear through the house, run directly towards you, run UP your body, and lick you two or three times on the face before gravity took over and it fell back to the floor. If you fell down, ghod help you -- before you could scramble back to your feet, you'd be sopping with dog spit.
Corky, like I said, was not a smart dog. Tiny Alice never completely succeeded in housebreaking it... all Corky ever quite managed to learn was that you should NEVER let a human CATCH you taking a shit. If you saw Corky crapping somewhere and Corky spotted you, Corky would rip into Tiny Alice's bedroom and hide under the bed. If you tried to get the dog out, the dog would bite the hell out of you.
I tried to play "fetch" with Corky once. I tossed a tennis ball into the kitchen. Corky rip-assed after the ball, caught up with the ball, snapped up the ball in his mouth, tried to stop, skitterskitterskitter on the tile, trying desperately to hit the brakes.... POW, headfirst into the refrigerator... stagger back into the living room, drop the ball at my feet... We did this four or five times before I realized that the dog was too stupid to NOT do this...
...but like I said, Tiny Alice had broken up with her boyfriend, which I thought was a good thing... the guy was a shitheel. She was heartbroken for a while, but she got over it. One day, I came home and found her playing a game with Corky... a game we might well call "bite the weenie". It involved holding a frankfurter about three feet off the floor, and holding it more or less parallel to the floor... and wiggling it. If Corky would leap up and bite the weenie in half, he got to eat the weenie.
...does anyone see where this is going?
I shooda. I'd just gotten out of the shower. Alice was at work, so I'd left the bathroom door open, to let out the steam. I'd been thinking interesting thoughts while in the shower... I don't remember what about, but I do remember having a serious erection as I got out and dried myself off.
About then, I noticed Corky. Corky was sitting in the doorway, studying me. Specifically, Corky was studying my TINKUS. Corky cocked his head, quizzically... gazed for a second...
...and then leaped.
The penis is made of spongy tissue, fortunately; I understand some bulldogs can crush bone with their jaws. Believe it. I screamed, danced around, hit the dog, yanked my dick, and finally spun around in place, still screaming like a cat caught in a vaccuum cleaner, hoping the dog would be shaken off by the centrifugal force or something. I don't pretend I was rational at this point; there was a dog trying to bite my dick in half, y'know.
At this point, the door opened, and Tiny Alice walked in.
She saw her naked hairy roommate screaming and jumping up and down and spinning in circles with a dog clamped on his dick.
Naturally, her first thought was for the dog's safety. She promptly attacked me.
We called her Tiny Alice for a reason, though -- she was maybe five feet and eighty pounds, dripping wet. It wasn't until I heard her screaming "DON'T HURT MY DOG!!!" in my ear that I realized she was on my back, one arm locked around my throat. I hadn't noticed her. Of course, I was kind of distracted...
I ignored her and kept jumping up and down and whacking the dog. She reciprocated by trying to choke me, but she couldn't quite get her arm all the way around my neck. She tried biting me, but I was much too interested in the other creature biting me for this to have much effect. Finally, she was reduced to yelling in my ear, which was about as painful... and as effective... as the other forms of assault she'd tried.
This whole thing probably went on for two or three minutes.
Finally, Corky realized that this weenie just wasn't gonna give as easily as the Oscar Meyer ones had, and let go. With the clamp gone, my erection instantly deflated. I cradled my poor dick in my hands, afraid to look at it. I was quite certain the dog's teeth had perforated it like a machinegun barrel, and I'd have to finger it like a piccolo if I ever wanted to pee straight again...
... but when I looked at it... it was okay. The dog's teeth hadn't penetrated.
Tiny Alice, who was still on my back, looked over my shoulder with some
interest.
I carefully examined it. There were some bruises where the teeth had been. I carefully examined the underside. It seemed OK there, too... and I squeezed it experimentally.
A drop of blood oozed out of the end.
I lost my fucking mind.
I went after the dog, fully intending to tear it apart like a fried chicken. The dog, not being THAT stupid, promptly fled under Alice's bed.
I went under the bed after the dog.
The dog bit me.
I leaped to my feet, grabbed the bed, and tossed it across the room.
The dog promptly ran into the living room and shot under the couch.
I ran after it, grabbed the couch, and tossed it into the kitchen.
The dog looked at me. I've never seen a dog look horrified, before or since that day.
Corky ran into the bathroom, where all the furniture was attached to the floor and I couldn't possibly pick it up... and it was already in there before it realized that there was nothing to hide under in there.
I had the dog cornered in the bathtub when I paused due to the splitting pain in my head.
Alice was still on my back and had been screaming in my ear the whole time. She'd finally resorted to trying to rip it off with her teeth, Mike-Tyson-style. Ironically, she wound up drawing more blood than the dog did.
I did not kill the dog.
My dick was sore for a day or two, but never lost function. It still works fine, by the way.
But sometimes these stories really are true. For instance, this low-budget effort at an Arab Strap, from Ananova on 19th August this year:
A man ended up in an operating theatre after his penis got stuck in an industrial bolt he used to try and maintain an erection.
The 46-year-old man, from Oradea, Romania, named only as Janos, decided to try using the bolt to help him keep an erection after seeing a porn star do the same in a film.
But after slipping his penis through the bolt it became stuck and began to swell up painfully.
He eventually went to hospital where doctors tried to remove the bolt.
Dr Gheorghe Bumbu from Bihor County Hospital who operated on the man, told local media: "The penis was so swollen I could hardly see the bolt around it. It was a massive steel bolt and any attempt to cut it could have hurt the man.
"My surgery room soon turned into a locksmiths shop. I even called engineer friends to see if there was any way of cutting the bearing.
"I almost gave up hope of saving the man's penis when I realised that I could make several longitudinal cuts and let the blood come out so that the penis could deflate. After that the bearing came off easily."
He added: "There are men who have erection problems and they're trying all these tricks. They should see a doctor first."
And another improvised one. This one is, he tells me, a personal favourite of our highly esteemed Guest of Honour and I include it again in his honour. It originally featured in my talk on Death by Sex at Damn Fine Con.
EXPERIMENTATION ENDS IN TEEN DEATH
AP NEWS - Knoxville, TN
April 24, 1995
A 16 year old boy in Knoxville was found dead in his bedroom in what police describe as a gruesome, horrifying death.
Fire-fighters were called to the scene Monday morning by a neighbour who smelled something burning. When the firemen found the remains of the teenager they called the police in to investigate.
At first investigators believed that they were dealing with a ritualistic murder. Posters of heavy metal rock and roll groups covered his bedroom walls, groups which are often connected with satanic worship and rituals. According to a fire-fighter who was on the scene, the boy was found nude, with the remains of a cow's heart attached to his genitals. Wires had been attached to the heart and plugged into a wall socket. The boy died from electrocution, then the electricity literally cooked his remains.
Investigating Officer Hardaway dismissed the ritual murder theory when detectives found several underground pornographic magazines under the boy's mattress. One of the magazines, called Ovid Now, describes a sexual "toy" that can be made from the fresh heart of a cow, a simple electrical circuit, and some batteries. This deviancy is apparently gaining limited popularity in the rural South. Practioners get the dead heart to beat, and then use the beating organ for sexual perversions.
"This is one of the most gruesome things I have ever seen. I can't believe that there are people who actually enjoy this sort of thing," Hardaway commented.
The boy's parents are currently on vacation in Florida, where they were contacted and informed about the tragedy. They were unavailable for comment.
Tragically, according to the wonderful debunking site snopes.com – don’t go there, it’ll put me out of business – it’s not true. Nor is the equally famous tale of felching, but it’s so well-told it bears repeating from my original Rectal Foreign Bodies talk at Year of the Wombat, 8 years ago.
"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital. Tomaszewski, and his homosexual partner Andrew "Kiki" Farnum, had been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong.
"I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in," he explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted out 'Armageddon,' my cue that he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him."
At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened next. "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out the tube, igniting Mr. Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball."
Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.
But enough of this old stuff. Remember, kids, they’re not real, and don’t try them at home. So I’ll round off with a few that are safe for you to go away and try.
The first section is for boys. Ladies should hang on for a little while, there are a few for you too. And not that I’m suggesting that fans are lonely people with no partners or anything, but these are games for one, I’m afraid. So prepare for a little “self-dating”…
#1: the Melon Baller
Step 1: Get a melon and scoop out a hole
Buy yourself a rock melon or honeydew melon. Cut a round hole in one end a bit smaller than your dick. Scoop out a little of the inside but not too much.
Step 2: Nuke it good
Heat the melon in a microwave (be careful!) and squirt in some baby oil or KY jelly.
Step 3: Ahhhhh!
A little bonus to add to the honeydew/cantaloupe procedure: On the opposite side of the melon from where your penis enters it, make a small hole with a skewer or small knife, no bigger than a pencil eraser, but reaching all the way in to the "vagina." Wrap your hand around the melon after you insert your erection and put your finger over the hole on the outstroke. Remove your finger on the in-stroke, replace it over the hole on the outstroke. Feels like a mouth going down on your cock, then sucking on it as it draws back. A very nice substitute for a blow job!
#2: the Balloon Sex Bundle
Step 1: Fill balloons with warm water
Get about four or five balloons. Fill them with warm, not hot, water. Tie the ends so water will not squeeze out. This also works with hot water bottles.
Step 2: Roll a pillow put a plastic bag inside
Take a pillow; roll it up like a tube and tie a string around it or even use your belt. Push the warm water balloons into the opening of the pillow tube. Your fleshy warm vagina is almost ready. Take a small plastic kitchen trash can bag. Push it in between the balloons in the pillow. Put some lubricant of your choice inside the plastic bag that is being tightly squeezed by the balloons.
Step 3: Warm, tight, and slippery
Get your dick ready. Put the pillow on bed. Put your dick inside this plastic vagina. You will feel the warmth, slipperiness and tightness you only dreamed of.
#3: Bar Stools Don't Need Viagra
Step 1: Put three stools in a triangle
Take three bar stools (ones that don't have backs) and arrange them into a
triangle. Spread paper towel, newspaper or plastic between the stools so you
can squirt freely when the time comes.
Step 2: Lie face down on the stools
Then lay down on the stools face down, one stool under your chest and one under each thigh. This allows your "package" to hang down. Use one or both free hands to fondle your dongle in whatever manner you prefer. If you want, you can tip your head forward to look underneath and watch the action.
#4: the Big Bag Bounce
Step 1: Tape two bags together
Get two very large trash bags and tape them together to make one large bag.
It takes a little practice to get the ends taped just right.
Step 2: Fill them with air
Inflate the bags with air (vacuum cleaner) and when it gets almost full but not quite, I remove the air supply and tape over the hole.
Step 3: Hop on top
Lube up your cock and get on top of the bags and begin humping.. When you get close to cumming, you can puncture a small hole or maybe a few holes in the bag and "ride" it down. Time it to cum just before you hit bottom.
#5: the Condom Roll. Nice and simple, this one.
Step 1: Put a condom in a toilet paper tube
Take one toilet paper (or paper towel) tube, one condom, and some lube. Put the condom inside the roll and stretch the opening of the condom across the opening of the tube. Fold the end of the condom over the end of the tube and hold with one hand.
Step 2: Pull the end for extra pleasure
Lube well and go at it like hell. BONUS: Pull on the tip of the condom while you jack and it feels like a blowjob.
#6: Sock 'Em. A schoolboy favourite updated.
Step 1: Roll up a sock
Take a sock and roll it up like a donut.
Step 2: Put in a surgical glove
Put a latex surgical glove in the rolled up sock. Wrap the end of the glove over the top of the sock to hold it in place. Lube up the inside.
Step 3: Ahhhhh!
Go at it. You can also put it between two pillows or between your mattress and your box spring, and pump away.
#7: Autofellatio
Step 1: Lube up some PVC pipe
Note, this could be dangerous, proceed with caution: Take a piece of pvc pipe insulation and cut it the right length to fit your dick. It should be tight so no air will leak out.
Step 2: Pump and suck
Start pumping your dick and suck on pipe at the same time until you're really to cum. Or keep going, if you'd like a taste.
#8: Couch Love
Step 1: Fill up a bag
Take a small plastic bag and fill it with lube.
Step 2: Love your couch
Place it between the cushions of your couch or between your mattress and box spring, get on your knees and pump away!
#9: the Shampoo Shudder
Step 1: Cut the ends off a shampoo bottle
Cut both ends off a shampoo bottle that is slightly larger than your cock. Put two socks into the bottle. The stocks should be one inside the other and should be thick enough to fill up the bottle. Cut the toes off the socks.
Step 2: Put a latex glove in the bottle
Wrap the open ends of the socks around the outside of the bottle and tape them. (Duct tape works best). Now do the same thing with a long latex glove. Keep the fingers of the gloves intact except for one that you can use for releasing pressure and providing suction, cut a hole in that one.
Step 3: Lube up and go
Use your favorite lube and go at it. If the bottle is too big, use more socks to take up room and provide extra padding.
#10: Sponge Off – the cheaper alternative to a Fleshlight
Step 1: Wring out two sponges
Wet two sponges with hot water and wring them out.
Step 2: Put them in a large cup
Put them in a plastic juice cup and put lube in between. Make sure to use an unbreakable plastic cup.
Step 3: Nice fit
Enjoy! The sponges will conform to the size of your dick, making for a nice tight fit.
#11: Bubble Wrap
Step 1: Roll up some bubble wrap
Roll bubble wrap into a cylinder with a hole about the size of your dick. Roll it with the bubbles inside.
Step 2: Put a towel around it
Put a folded towel around it the bubble wrap
Step 3: Lube and enjoy
Squirt baby oil inside and enjoy.
#12: Soap Hole
Step 1: Drill a hole
Drill a hole through the center of a bar of soap about the size of your dick. The larger the bar of soap, the better, and better to err on the side of a too-small hole rather than a too-large one.
Step 2: Fill the hole
Get the soap wet and pump away. The edges of the bar of soap feel like
a woman's lips (it says here – well, anyone’s lips, I’d imagine) squeezing gently down on your cock. When the hole gets a little too big to stimulate your cock, just use it to bathe.
That’s it for the lads. Now a few for the fairer sex.
#1: Beach Ball
Step 1: Blow up a beach ball
Take a small beach ball and fill it about half way with air.
Step 2: Get on top
Place it between your legs and pull up a pair of fairly tight pants, leggings, or hosiery. If the ball is still too soft or is in the wrong place you can take it out and blow it up some more. Once it is in a good position, find an arm of a chair or something and sit so that the ball is right under your clitoris, and bounce on, rock on, wiggle on and squeeze the ball.
It only takes me a few minutes to have an amazing orgasm! Be careful though because if you blow up the ball too tightly it can split at a seam and lose air when
you start bouncing like mad! But that "danger" can add to the excitement... You never know when it's gonna burst.
#2: the Balloon Rub
Step 1: Fill a balloon with warm water
Get a balloon, fill it with warm water and tie the end.
Step 2: Put lube on it
Put baby oil or KY jelly on it.
Step 3: Rub away
Rub it against your clitoris, the noise it makes along with the pressure and the heat will get you off in no time.
#3: Blanket Pull
Step 1: Hold a blanket with your feet
Lie flat on your back, in bed, on a sofa, where ever, and take a blanket, hold the end of the blanket with your feet, and run it from under you up between your legs, and hold the other end.
Step 2: Rock your pelvis
Start rocking your pelvis back and forth while pulling on the blanket to keep it taut and let it hit your clit. You can do this naked or fully clothed, depends on how much time you have. It is so great, you can vary the speeds of your pelvis and how taut you make the blanket. It can also be done anywhere you find a blanket,
towel, or any such thing long enough. So go travel.
#4: A timeless classic: the Banana Bonanza
Step 1: Peel a banana
Peel a large, firm banana.
Step 2: Put it in a condom
Roll a condom over the banana and tie a knot in the end.
Step 3: Bury the banana.
And that’s all I’m going to tell you about today. Now, it’s time for a more practical demonstration…
Here's the script for the 2nd one, which by a stunning bit of planning, I forgot to take with me. Good work, Liam. Still, the improvised alternative seemed to go down OK.
Weird Sex Toys
This was meant to be a talk about weird or extreme sex toys. However, I spent quite some time reading up on this, and what I mostly found was that extreme sex toys are basically your fairly standard sex toys – only bigger. And really, where’s the fun in that? I mean, yes, a butt plug the size of a traffic cone is impressive, and I could have shown you some rather terrifying pictures of such a thing in use, but frankly, they’re icky and not terribly stimulating – unless you are of such specialist tastes that this panel’s description really would not tempt your jaded palate at all.
I’ll start with what’s alleged to be a true story. This was told to me by my young lady, Nadin, who regrettably cannot be with us this weekend - but I cannot otherwise attest its authenticity. But it’s a good one, so what the hell. I’ll retell it in the author’s own words…
I once knew a guy who was into fruit, so to speak.
He had, for reasons I never found out and never had the courage to ask, bored a hole in one end of a watermelon, inserted his dingle, and let fly.
He apparently found the sensation interesting, and began experimenting. He found that slightly overripe melons were best as far as texture and sensation went, as the texture was apparently more "cottony", as he put it. I can certainly see where they'd be moister, anyway. The real breakthrough, though, happened when he bored another hole in the other end... and slipped a vibrator in it.
He raved about it for days. I hadn't heard anyone talk about sex in such... glowing... terms since high school, as we began, one by one, to lose our virginity. It was like he'd discovered a whole new third gender of people, with whom he was still a virgin... and he had begun to seek his one true love...
Things began to get a little strange. He really got into his experiments -- he was going through six or seven melons a week, easily, and that was just what he'd admit to me. He acted like some horrible mutant psychological crossbreed of sex maniac, junkie, and quivering romantic.
I never had the courage to ask what he did with the watermelons afterwards. I almost did once, but I realized it might be a rather... personal... issue, at least with him.
He tried lots of different permutations -- vibrator in the end, vibrator in top, two vibrators, one on each side, vibrators in both sides and one end... he spent a lot of money on vibrators and watermelons. A girl I knew demanded the immediate return of her toys when she found out what he'd been doing with them, which made us all wonder... she didn't mind her vibrator being used by another person, but it bothered her that it was in a fruit? (Uh, so to speak...)
He got obsessive. He drew diagrams. He experimented with different sizes of vibrator, set for different pulse rates. He even took the vibrators apart, to see if he could alter the way they worked. It really was a classic bit of mad science... This is actually the point where I got involved: he asked me to rig the vibrators so that they could all be turned off and on with one switch.
I made the mistake of asking why he wanted this... and that's how I discovered this entire weird and sordid tale. Aren't you grateful?
A week later, he came back to me with a problem: the perfect vibratory rate for this particular brand of vibrator was when the batteries were about half dead. Could this somehow be simulated? I wound up finally wiring the things together with old Christmas lights and a toy-train transformer, so he could vary the flow of juice, so to speak, to whatever suited his, um, fancy.
I took extra special care with the soldering and insulation. Everything was waterproof by the time I was done with it. I'd learned my lesson well when it came to penises and electricity, you see... but that's another story.
Finally, towards the end of that very odd summer, I received a very special invite on the answering machine. He'd apparently completed his experiments the previous day, and had mapped out the size and volume of the ideal melon, and the number and placement of vibrators to ensure maximum intensity.
The next day, he intended to have the ...ultimate vegesexual experience. Would I like to come watch? There would be wine and cheese, and a hallucinogenics buffet. I wouldn't be alone; he'd invited guests.
I kind of wanted to. I admit it. I thought about it. It was an extremely bizarre thing, and I did bizarre from time to time... but I had to work the next day... and somehow, the idea of skipping work to watch a guy screw a fruit somehow just wasn't something I could reconcile to myself. That... and if bestiality was illegal, what would they do to you for screwing a vegetable? I could just see the local cops bursting in to grab some high-profile headlines...
...and then, there were his friends. I knew some of them, and many of them were SERIOUS weirdies. Hm, I thought, would the chick with the pierced nipples who liked to go topless be there, I wondered? Pierced nipples were a lot less common then, and she and I had hit it off pretty well at our first meeting...
...but if this was a party, then his friend who claimed to be married to his dog would likely be there, too, and for some reason, this guy seemed to think I was his friend. Last time we'd met, I'd learned more about dog plumbing than I ever wanted to know...
...I begged off.
Apparently, I missed quite an event. I heard about the happenings no less than five times the following week from assorted people who'd been there.
Our hero made quite the party out of it -- open bar for guests, the promised buffet, complete with LSD and finger sandwiches, and he was answering the door in nothing but a pair of gold lame ballhuggers. In the kitchen, he'd duct-taped the melon to a large cutting board and braced it on the kitchen table.
When everyone was there... the festivities began, so to speak. He ditched the ballhuggers. Someone offered to "fluff" him, and he graciously agreed. Much arousal and amusement ensued, particularly since the fluffer was apparently a guy.
Finally... his manhood prepped and ready... he approached the cutting board.
The openings had been drilled, the vibrators inserted, the wiring arranged. I never saw this particular melon, mind you, but I can imagine it easily enough -- his later experiments were so full of parts and wires, I'd taken to thinking of them as the BorgMelons...
He lubricated himself thoroughly... and entered the fruit.
The crowd watched breathlessly.
He switched on the vibrators. The air filled with the hum of fruit come alive... and the smell of an excited watermelon.
He groaned.
The crowd gasped.
He began to slowly stroke in and out of the melon.
His eyes rolled back. Plainly, he was feeling no pain.
The crowd began to get into it.
He thrust into the fruit, harder, deeper.
The crowd began to chant, "Go! Go! Go!"
He began to lose control, claimed by a raging passion.
A couple of the crowd ran forward, grabbed the table and board, stabilized it.Our hero slammed into the melon, harder, harder. The crowd moved closer, touched him, slapped his ass. They held the table steady. He moved, harder, faster...
...and then... something weird happened.
In truth, I guess it was my fault. I didn't foresee it... but I should have. I'm the one who wired the vibrators to work in tandem, using Christmas lights for a model. I should have known that more than a dozen vibrators, all working off the same power source, might well fall into sync... and generate harmonic/sympathetic vibrations... which, in a semiliquid environment like the inside of an overripe watermelon... would generate positive feedback... increasing by the second. The guy's dong whacking in and out wouldn't help; in fact, it probably accelerated the end result.
The bottom line: just as our hero reached orgasm, the watermelon exploded, violently, showering our hero, the kitchen, and the less-than-innocent bystanders with... uh... "fruit salad", so to speak. No one had noticed the increased throbbing vibrations due to Our Hero's frantic thrusting.
The funny thing is, he didn't consider it a failure. He said that it was the ultimate orgasm he'd had in his life up to that point.
I asked if he wanted me to rewire the vibrators so they wouldn't do that again.
"No," he said. He explained that he believed that the ever-increasing harmonics that had cause the melon to explode had also been the source of his ecstasy... and that he'd still been coming when the fruit detonated... and he was quite sure he could ravish a whole barnyard's worth of watermelons without ever reaching that MegaNirvana again... because he knew he'd never again be able to get the TIMING just right....
And from the same author…
Penises are the very root of manhood, so to speak... mighty, yet vulnerable... seductive, yet faintly ridiculous. You hear a lot about "phallic imagery", but how much do you hear about "vaginal imagery?" Ancient Athens, the pillar of civilization, was decorated with little statues of Hermes and his erect penis... located on street corners for good luck. Men are obsessed with their dicks, for the most part. I try not to be so predictable about it, but I'm a guy, too.
One of the worst things I ever saw happen to a guy was in high school, when a friend of mine participated in the vandalizing of a Sonic-Drive-In. He made the mistake of peeing into the little speaker you order your food through. The electrical arc travelled up the stream and practically fried the poor guy's tallywhacker. He said it was like being kicked in the nuts while plugging your dick into a power socket. What was worse... he told us the next day at school... his dick didn't seem to work any more.
He was scared. I didn't blame him. To have your dick suddenly cease to function at age 16 is like... like... shit, I don't know. A disaster, certainly. The next day he reported it still didn't work, despite hours of priming with Penthouse magazines. He could pee through it... but that was about it.
Day three: still nothing. He was badly frightened... his brother had theorized that he'd shorted out some important nerves, or something. Would it ever work again? He was debating going to the doctor, even if it meant admitting who'd vandalized the Sonic...
Day four: He came to school laughing, his heart had wings again. Life was good again. Apparently, the poor thing was just traumatized, that's all. He reported no less than four successful launchings the previous night, with and without photographic assistance. All was well... but it was a lesson none of us ever forgot...
...but I digress. My own experience with the sacredness of the penis came when I lived with Tiny Alice. Alice had just broken up with her boyfriend and was in the usual "men are pigs" phase that seems to go after that. She had two dogs, a little yappy thing that looked like a mop with feet... and a small bulldog-looking animal.
It wasn't EXACTLY a bulldog... I don't remember what it was. Its name was Corky, and it may have been the stupidest vertebrate I've ever encountered. It was rabidly affectionate, energetic as a mongoose on speed, and had a tongue bigger than my entire head. When you entered the door it would tear through the house, run directly towards you, run UP your body, and lick you two or three times on the face before gravity took over and it fell back to the floor. If you fell down, ghod help you -- before you could scramble back to your feet, you'd be sopping with dog spit.
Corky, like I said, was not a smart dog. Tiny Alice never completely succeeded in housebreaking it... all Corky ever quite managed to learn was that you should NEVER let a human CATCH you taking a shit. If you saw Corky crapping somewhere and Corky spotted you, Corky would rip into Tiny Alice's bedroom and hide under the bed. If you tried to get the dog out, the dog would bite the hell out of you.
I tried to play "fetch" with Corky once. I tossed a tennis ball into the kitchen. Corky rip-assed after the ball, caught up with the ball, snapped up the ball in his mouth, tried to stop, skitterskitterskitter on the tile, trying desperately to hit the brakes.... POW, headfirst into the refrigerator... stagger back into the living room, drop the ball at my feet... We did this four or five times before I realized that the dog was too stupid to NOT do this...
...but like I said, Tiny Alice had broken up with her boyfriend, which I thought was a good thing... the guy was a shitheel. She was heartbroken for a while, but she got over it. One day, I came home and found her playing a game with Corky... a game we might well call "bite the weenie". It involved holding a frankfurter about three feet off the floor, and holding it more or less parallel to the floor... and wiggling it. If Corky would leap up and bite the weenie in half, he got to eat the weenie.
...does anyone see where this is going?
I shooda. I'd just gotten out of the shower. Alice was at work, so I'd left the bathroom door open, to let out the steam. I'd been thinking interesting thoughts while in the shower... I don't remember what about, but I do remember having a serious erection as I got out and dried myself off.
About then, I noticed Corky. Corky was sitting in the doorway, studying me. Specifically, Corky was studying my TINKUS. Corky cocked his head, quizzically... gazed for a second...
...and then leaped.
The penis is made of spongy tissue, fortunately; I understand some bulldogs can crush bone with their jaws. Believe it. I screamed, danced around, hit the dog, yanked my dick, and finally spun around in place, still screaming like a cat caught in a vaccuum cleaner, hoping the dog would be shaken off by the centrifugal force or something. I don't pretend I was rational at this point; there was a dog trying to bite my dick in half, y'know.
At this point, the door opened, and Tiny Alice walked in.
She saw her naked hairy roommate screaming and jumping up and down and spinning in circles with a dog clamped on his dick.
Naturally, her first thought was for the dog's safety. She promptly attacked me.
We called her Tiny Alice for a reason, though -- she was maybe five feet and eighty pounds, dripping wet. It wasn't until I heard her screaming "DON'T HURT MY DOG!!!" in my ear that I realized she was on my back, one arm locked around my throat. I hadn't noticed her. Of course, I was kind of distracted...
I ignored her and kept jumping up and down and whacking the dog. She reciprocated by trying to choke me, but she couldn't quite get her arm all the way around my neck. She tried biting me, but I was much too interested in the other creature biting me for this to have much effect. Finally, she was reduced to yelling in my ear, which was about as painful... and as effective... as the other forms of assault she'd tried.
This whole thing probably went on for two or three minutes.
Finally, Corky realized that this weenie just wasn't gonna give as easily as the Oscar Meyer ones had, and let go. With the clamp gone, my erection instantly deflated. I cradled my poor dick in my hands, afraid to look at it. I was quite certain the dog's teeth had perforated it like a machinegun barrel, and I'd have to finger it like a piccolo if I ever wanted to pee straight again...
... but when I looked at it... it was okay. The dog's teeth hadn't penetrated.
Tiny Alice, who was still on my back, looked over my shoulder with some
interest.
I carefully examined it. There were some bruises where the teeth had been. I carefully examined the underside. It seemed OK there, too... and I squeezed it experimentally.
A drop of blood oozed out of the end.
I lost my fucking mind.
I went after the dog, fully intending to tear it apart like a fried chicken. The dog, not being THAT stupid, promptly fled under Alice's bed.
I went under the bed after the dog.
The dog bit me.
I leaped to my feet, grabbed the bed, and tossed it across the room.
The dog promptly ran into the living room and shot under the couch.
I ran after it, grabbed the couch, and tossed it into the kitchen.
The dog looked at me. I've never seen a dog look horrified, before or since that day.
Corky ran into the bathroom, where all the furniture was attached to the floor and I couldn't possibly pick it up... and it was already in there before it realized that there was nothing to hide under in there.
I had the dog cornered in the bathtub when I paused due to the splitting pain in my head.
Alice was still on my back and had been screaming in my ear the whole time. She'd finally resorted to trying to rip it off with her teeth, Mike-Tyson-style. Ironically, she wound up drawing more blood than the dog did.
I did not kill the dog.
My dick was sore for a day or two, but never lost function. It still works fine, by the way.
But sometimes these stories really are true. For instance, this low-budget effort at an Arab Strap, from Ananova on 19th August this year:
A man ended up in an operating theatre after his penis got stuck in an industrial bolt he used to try and maintain an erection.
The 46-year-old man, from Oradea, Romania, named only as Janos, decided to try using the bolt to help him keep an erection after seeing a porn star do the same in a film.
But after slipping his penis through the bolt it became stuck and began to swell up painfully.
He eventually went to hospital where doctors tried to remove the bolt.
Dr Gheorghe Bumbu from Bihor County Hospital who operated on the man, told local media: "The penis was so swollen I could hardly see the bolt around it. It was a massive steel bolt and any attempt to cut it could have hurt the man.
"My surgery room soon turned into a locksmiths shop. I even called engineer friends to see if there was any way of cutting the bearing.
"I almost gave up hope of saving the man's penis when I realised that I could make several longitudinal cuts and let the blood come out so that the penis could deflate. After that the bearing came off easily."
He added: "There are men who have erection problems and they're trying all these tricks. They should see a doctor first."
And another improvised one. This one is, he tells me, a personal favourite of our highly esteemed Guest of Honour and I include it again in his honour. It originally featured in my talk on Death by Sex at Damn Fine Con.
EXPERIMENTATION ENDS IN TEEN DEATH
AP NEWS - Knoxville, TN
April 24, 1995
A 16 year old boy in Knoxville was found dead in his bedroom in what police describe as a gruesome, horrifying death.
Fire-fighters were called to the scene Monday morning by a neighbour who smelled something burning. When the firemen found the remains of the teenager they called the police in to investigate.
At first investigators believed that they were dealing with a ritualistic murder. Posters of heavy metal rock and roll groups covered his bedroom walls, groups which are often connected with satanic worship and rituals. According to a fire-fighter who was on the scene, the boy was found nude, with the remains of a cow's heart attached to his genitals. Wires had been attached to the heart and plugged into a wall socket. The boy died from electrocution, then the electricity literally cooked his remains.
Investigating Officer Hardaway dismissed the ritual murder theory when detectives found several underground pornographic magazines under the boy's mattress. One of the magazines, called Ovid Now, describes a sexual "toy" that can be made from the fresh heart of a cow, a simple electrical circuit, and some batteries. This deviancy is apparently gaining limited popularity in the rural South. Practioners get the dead heart to beat, and then use the beating organ for sexual perversions.
"This is one of the most gruesome things I have ever seen. I can't believe that there are people who actually enjoy this sort of thing," Hardaway commented.
The boy's parents are currently on vacation in Florida, where they were contacted and informed about the tragedy. They were unavailable for comment.
Tragically, according to the wonderful debunking site snopes.com – don’t go there, it’ll put me out of business – it’s not true. Nor is the equally famous tale of felching, but it’s so well-told it bears repeating from my original Rectal Foreign Bodies talk at Year of the Wombat, 8 years ago.
"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital. Tomaszewski, and his homosexual partner Andrew "Kiki" Farnum, had been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong.
"I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in," he explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted out 'Armageddon,' my cue that he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him."
At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened next. "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out the tube, igniting Mr. Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball."
Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.
But enough of this old stuff. Remember, kids, they’re not real, and don’t try them at home. So I’ll round off with a few that are safe for you to go away and try.
The first section is for boys. Ladies should hang on for a little while, there are a few for you too. And not that I’m suggesting that fans are lonely people with no partners or anything, but these are games for one, I’m afraid. So prepare for a little “self-dating”…
#1: the Melon Baller
Step 1: Get a melon and scoop out a hole
Buy yourself a rock melon or honeydew melon. Cut a round hole in one end a bit smaller than your dick. Scoop out a little of the inside but not too much.
Step 2: Nuke it good
Heat the melon in a microwave (be careful!) and squirt in some baby oil or KY jelly.
Step 3: Ahhhhh!
A little bonus to add to the honeydew/cantaloupe procedure: On the opposite side of the melon from where your penis enters it, make a small hole with a skewer or small knife, no bigger than a pencil eraser, but reaching all the way in to the "vagina." Wrap your hand around the melon after you insert your erection and put your finger over the hole on the outstroke. Remove your finger on the in-stroke, replace it over the hole on the outstroke. Feels like a mouth going down on your cock, then sucking on it as it draws back. A very nice substitute for a blow job!
#2: the Balloon Sex Bundle
Step 1: Fill balloons with warm water
Get about four or five balloons. Fill them with warm, not hot, water. Tie the ends so water will not squeeze out. This also works with hot water bottles.
Step 2: Roll a pillow put a plastic bag inside
Take a pillow; roll it up like a tube and tie a string around it or even use your belt. Push the warm water balloons into the opening of the pillow tube. Your fleshy warm vagina is almost ready. Take a small plastic kitchen trash can bag. Push it in between the balloons in the pillow. Put some lubricant of your choice inside the plastic bag that is being tightly squeezed by the balloons.
Step 3: Warm, tight, and slippery
Get your dick ready. Put the pillow on bed. Put your dick inside this plastic vagina. You will feel the warmth, slipperiness and tightness you only dreamed of.
#3: Bar Stools Don't Need Viagra
Step 1: Put three stools in a triangle
Take three bar stools (ones that don't have backs) and arrange them into a
triangle. Spread paper towel, newspaper or plastic between the stools so you
can squirt freely when the time comes.
Step 2: Lie face down on the stools
Then lay down on the stools face down, one stool under your chest and one under each thigh. This allows your "package" to hang down. Use one or both free hands to fondle your dongle in whatever manner you prefer. If you want, you can tip your head forward to look underneath and watch the action.
#4: the Big Bag Bounce
Step 1: Tape two bags together
Get two very large trash bags and tape them together to make one large bag.
It takes a little practice to get the ends taped just right.
Step 2: Fill them with air
Inflate the bags with air (vacuum cleaner) and when it gets almost full but not quite, I remove the air supply and tape over the hole.
Step 3: Hop on top
Lube up your cock and get on top of the bags and begin humping.. When you get close to cumming, you can puncture a small hole or maybe a few holes in the bag and "ride" it down. Time it to cum just before you hit bottom.
#5: the Condom Roll. Nice and simple, this one.
Step 1: Put a condom in a toilet paper tube
Take one toilet paper (or paper towel) tube, one condom, and some lube. Put the condom inside the roll and stretch the opening of the condom across the opening of the tube. Fold the end of the condom over the end of the tube and hold with one hand.
Step 2: Pull the end for extra pleasure
Lube well and go at it like hell. BONUS: Pull on the tip of the condom while you jack and it feels like a blowjob.
#6: Sock 'Em. A schoolboy favourite updated.
Step 1: Roll up a sock
Take a sock and roll it up like a donut.
Step 2: Put in a surgical glove
Put a latex surgical glove in the rolled up sock. Wrap the end of the glove over the top of the sock to hold it in place. Lube up the inside.
Step 3: Ahhhhh!
Go at it. You can also put it between two pillows or between your mattress and your box spring, and pump away.
#7: Autofellatio
Step 1: Lube up some PVC pipe
Note, this could be dangerous, proceed with caution: Take a piece of pvc pipe insulation and cut it the right length to fit your dick. It should be tight so no air will leak out.
Step 2: Pump and suck
Start pumping your dick and suck on pipe at the same time until you're really to cum. Or keep going, if you'd like a taste.
#8: Couch Love
Step 1: Fill up a bag
Take a small plastic bag and fill it with lube.
Step 2: Love your couch
Place it between the cushions of your couch or between your mattress and box spring, get on your knees and pump away!
#9: the Shampoo Shudder
Step 1: Cut the ends off a shampoo bottle
Cut both ends off a shampoo bottle that is slightly larger than your cock. Put two socks into the bottle. The stocks should be one inside the other and should be thick enough to fill up the bottle. Cut the toes off the socks.
Step 2: Put a latex glove in the bottle
Wrap the open ends of the socks around the outside of the bottle and tape them. (Duct tape works best). Now do the same thing with a long latex glove. Keep the fingers of the gloves intact except for one that you can use for releasing pressure and providing suction, cut a hole in that one.
Step 3: Lube up and go
Use your favorite lube and go at it. If the bottle is too big, use more socks to take up room and provide extra padding.
#10: Sponge Off – the cheaper alternative to a Fleshlight
Step 1: Wring out two sponges
Wet two sponges with hot water and wring them out.
Step 2: Put them in a large cup
Put them in a plastic juice cup and put lube in between. Make sure to use an unbreakable plastic cup.
Step 3: Nice fit
Enjoy! The sponges will conform to the size of your dick, making for a nice tight fit.
#11: Bubble Wrap
Step 1: Roll up some bubble wrap
Roll bubble wrap into a cylinder with a hole about the size of your dick. Roll it with the bubbles inside.
Step 2: Put a towel around it
Put a folded towel around it the bubble wrap
Step 3: Lube and enjoy
Squirt baby oil inside and enjoy.
#12: Soap Hole
Step 1: Drill a hole
Drill a hole through the center of a bar of soap about the size of your dick. The larger the bar of soap, the better, and better to err on the side of a too-small hole rather than a too-large one.
Step 2: Fill the hole
Get the soap wet and pump away. The edges of the bar of soap feel like
a woman's lips (it says here – well, anyone’s lips, I’d imagine) squeezing gently down on your cock. When the hole gets a little too big to stimulate your cock, just use it to bathe.
That’s it for the lads. Now a few for the fairer sex.
#1: Beach Ball
Step 1: Blow up a beach ball
Take a small beach ball and fill it about half way with air.
Step 2: Get on top
Place it between your legs and pull up a pair of fairly tight pants, leggings, or hosiery. If the ball is still too soft or is in the wrong place you can take it out and blow it up some more. Once it is in a good position, find an arm of a chair or something and sit so that the ball is right under your clitoris, and bounce on, rock on, wiggle on and squeeze the ball.
It only takes me a few minutes to have an amazing orgasm! Be careful though because if you blow up the ball too tightly it can split at a seam and lose air when
you start bouncing like mad! But that "danger" can add to the excitement... You never know when it's gonna burst.
#2: the Balloon Rub
Step 1: Fill a balloon with warm water
Get a balloon, fill it with warm water and tie the end.
Step 2: Put lube on it
Put baby oil or KY jelly on it.
Step 3: Rub away
Rub it against your clitoris, the noise it makes along with the pressure and the heat will get you off in no time.
#3: Blanket Pull
Step 1: Hold a blanket with your feet
Lie flat on your back, in bed, on a sofa, where ever, and take a blanket, hold the end of the blanket with your feet, and run it from under you up between your legs, and hold the other end.
Step 2: Rock your pelvis
Start rocking your pelvis back and forth while pulling on the blanket to keep it taut and let it hit your clit. You can do this naked or fully clothed, depends on how much time you have. It is so great, you can vary the speeds of your pelvis and how taut you make the blanket. It can also be done anywhere you find a blanket,
towel, or any such thing long enough. So go travel.
#4: A timeless classic: the Banana Bonanza
Step 1: Peel a banana
Peel a large, firm banana.
Step 2: Put it in a condom
Roll a condom over the banana and tie a knot in the end.
Step 3: Bury the banana.
And that’s all I’m going to tell you about today. Now, it’s time for a more practical demonstration…
