The Dork Knob
Jul. 22nd, 2005 12:02 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lprovenDinner with the CIX veggies last night, instead of Skeptics in the Pub. Saw an old friend I've not seen since about 2000, as she emigrated to New Zealand. She was very surprised by the changes in my appearance. Around the same time, another friend commented that she liked me with a ponytail.
Well, it had to go. You see, there's a point in a man's life, somewhere in his mid to late 30s for most, when even the best-cared-for ponytail miraculously and silently transforms itself from cool, vaguely-alternative hairstyle into a Dork Knob™.
The canonical Dork Knob is a short, thin, stubby grey ponytail, often worn either high on the back of the head -- to gather in the not-really-long-enough-for-this-but-it's-all-I-can-grow hair -- but variants include the flat lifeless greasy thing lying on the back of the neck like some parasite of the spinal cord and any ponytail growing out of the back of a head which is bald on top or significantly thinning.
Ponytails emerging from hats or caps which are a permanent fixture should be regarded with deep suspicion as possible manifestations of this latter evil. (I could Name Names from this very flist here, but I'm sure you know who you are.)
All these should be ruthlessly exterminated. There is only one way to wear thinning or receding hair with dignity and that is very shortly cropped.
There are two possible exceptions, however, to this rule on middle-aged long male hair. One is very rare and the other is much rarer than that.
The rare variant is a long thick clean well-maintained ponytail in steel-grey hair. Some guys are lucky enough to keep a full thick head of hair even when it all goes grey. If one has kept true to the cause all this time and has long (it should approach waist-length) hair and it's well-maintained, then this is exception number one. For best results, the wearer should be whipcord-thin, wirily muscular and ideally tanned and lined from long exposure to the skies. If possible, arrange to be descended from Native American bloodlines. (I can think of a single exception to the thinness rule here and he's on this flist, too.)
The really rare variant is God's Ponytail. I have only seen this once in real life. It generally can only be sported by men of a Certain Age, where that is late fifties to sixties. This is again a thick ponytail growing from a full head of hair, but the hair should be somewhat curly and pure white. This is that rare category of ponytail which can and possibly should be accompanied by a full beard. The hair should look like it is being forcibly restrained into the tie or band and the wearer should look comfortable and in-place if he was, say, striding powerfully down a burning mountain.
Other than that, male ponytails more than twenty years old should be culled without mercy. The age requirement can be waived if the ponytail in question is not well-maintained: kept clean, brushed more than once a day and so on. (Trimming is a bonus but some can get away without it.) Whether the hair is always gathered into a ponytail, only occasionally or never is irrelevant; those who have long hair because they can't be bothered to look after it should be forcibly taught the error of their ways with the clippers, at any age. This also applies to wearer of headbands, alice bands, pigtails or plaits -- you cannot hide your crime by disguising it.
Assymmetrical ponytails or those emerging from hair that is not all long enough to be pulled back into the ponytail must also be extirpated. I am sure you are all aware of the perils of The Mullet.
Well, it had to go. You see, there's a point in a man's life, somewhere in his mid to late 30s for most, when even the best-cared-for ponytail miraculously and silently transforms itself from cool, vaguely-alternative hairstyle into a Dork Knob™.
The canonical Dork Knob is a short, thin, stubby grey ponytail, often worn either high on the back of the head -- to gather in the not-really-long-enough-for-this-but-it's-all-I-can-grow hair -- but variants include the flat lifeless greasy thing lying on the back of the neck like some parasite of the spinal cord and any ponytail growing out of the back of a head which is bald on top or significantly thinning.
Ponytails emerging from hats or caps which are a permanent fixture should be regarded with deep suspicion as possible manifestations of this latter evil. (I could Name Names from this very flist here, but I'm sure you know who you are.)
All these should be ruthlessly exterminated. There is only one way to wear thinning or receding hair with dignity and that is very shortly cropped.
There are two possible exceptions, however, to this rule on middle-aged long male hair. One is very rare and the other is much rarer than that.
The rare variant is a long thick clean well-maintained ponytail in steel-grey hair. Some guys are lucky enough to keep a full thick head of hair even when it all goes grey. If one has kept true to the cause all this time and has long (it should approach waist-length) hair and it's well-maintained, then this is exception number one. For best results, the wearer should be whipcord-thin, wirily muscular and ideally tanned and lined from long exposure to the skies. If possible, arrange to be descended from Native American bloodlines. (I can think of a single exception to the thinness rule here and he's on this flist, too.)
The really rare variant is God's Ponytail. I have only seen this once in real life. It generally can only be sported by men of a Certain Age, where that is late fifties to sixties. This is again a thick ponytail growing from a full head of hair, but the hair should be somewhat curly and pure white. This is that rare category of ponytail which can and possibly should be accompanied by a full beard. The hair should look like it is being forcibly restrained into the tie or band and the wearer should look comfortable and in-place if he was, say, striding powerfully down a burning mountain.
Other than that, male ponytails more than twenty years old should be culled without mercy. The age requirement can be waived if the ponytail in question is not well-maintained: kept clean, brushed more than once a day and so on. (Trimming is a bonus but some can get away without it.) Whether the hair is always gathered into a ponytail, only occasionally or never is irrelevant; those who have long hair because they can't be bothered to look after it should be forcibly taught the error of their ways with the clippers, at any age. This also applies to wearer of headbands, alice bands, pigtails or plaits -- you cannot hide your crime by disguising it.
Assymmetrical ponytails or those emerging from hair that is not all long enough to be pulled back into the ponytail must also be extirpated. I am sure you are all aware of the perils of The Mullet.
